If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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