she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Vodka?
Forever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
