no, he came in my armpit
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
