i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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