no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
