I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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