Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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