Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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