i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
