I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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