you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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