we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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