chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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