just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
