You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The air was thick with penises
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
