my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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