he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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