Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
