Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize