Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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