Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
