Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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