i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
