you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
