seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
