the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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