Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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