im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
