My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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