Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
