Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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