goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Acid is not a monday night drug
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
