he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
