Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize