Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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