I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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