apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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