My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can't turn off my feet"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
