I swear she didn't look like that last week.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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