party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
