well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just gift wrapped bread.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
