Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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