Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
