youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
