If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
