I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
