Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
