He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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