Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
