Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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