Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I need to stop coming to work sober
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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