shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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