the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
