I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
